Miss Chinatown Diary Entry no.1

The Magic lies in being yourself.

Growing up as a kid who indulges in Disney movies and happy endings with a handsome prince who can sing, “BE YOURSELF” is a constant theme being taught to us as though there is some magic in that line and in believing in yourself. It was always just nice to hear, really, because I never really knew how and why I would apply it in my life. I mean, I was secure and I pretty much just went with the flow of everyday life that was minimally routinary but nonetheless unextraordinary. I guess that, looking back at everything that happened to me in the past 3 months, I could actually liken my journey as to that of a Disney Princess minus the Handsome Prince.

Joining the pageant made me think of who I am because it shows if you’re uncertain and it shines when you’re sure.

The very things that held me back from joining the pageant (physical, mental and emotional stress) were very true. The mere decision making of wearing my hair straight or in big waves, to put on red lips or a hot pink one, to color my hair black or just keep my brown highlighted locks I only recently got done. Then all these little questions that seem mundane build up to bigger questions like, “Should I try to look more Chinese or more Filipino? This is the Miss Chinatown pageant after all. So maybe I should try to look more Chinese.” On one hand, my grandmother is convinced that I should try to look more Chinese and on the other hand, I believe that I should use my Filipina looks as an edge to set myself apart from all the other contestants. This is the search for the modern Filipino-Chinese after all. So I tried to think of ways to look more Chinese but just gave up. Because what do I have to prove? I can speak Fookien and Mandarin fluently, I can make jokes in Chinese (big achievement), and I’ve lived in the Chinese customs and traditions my whole life. So I’m going to keep my tanned skin because I love going to the beach and that is like heaven for me. I will also not alter my features or try to look different because I got my dad’s eyes and cheekbones, my mom’s nose and lips and I love seeing both of them in me and at the same time being my very own person.

Then came the pre-pageant and the pageant night. The stage is like a platform where you get to showcase yourself and hopefully, everyone would get to see right through you and remember you. I honestly feel like my walk is my greatest weakness. I tend to slouch because as the tallest kid in our class, I feel really shy towering over people and I didn’t really want to draw attention to myself. So when I try to stand straight, it comes out looking like I’m so stiff. And walking is a huge part of being in a pageant because it showcases your grace, character and attitude. So since I don’t have the best walk, I showcased my personality instead and prayed really hard. So I took the moment in, cherished every bit of it and had fun in the swimsuit round where I was thinking the whole time, “If you got it, flaunt it. Shake what yo mama gave you.” And I just felt beautiful and very very sexy, and that was enough.

Then came the evening gown competition where I just bought this ready made gown from Cherrie Cariaga two days before the pageant! Some of my co-candidates told me the well-known designers who are making their gowns for them and I was totally CRUSHED. I remember thinking.. “I can’t compete with that!” And as it is common knowledge, the evening gown is a huge decision point in the pageant night. Thankfully, the Cherrie Cariaga dress I picked out just 2 days before the pageant (panic buying at its finest moment) was simple yet elegant, the color complimented my skin tone, and it really showcased my curves, curves, CURVES! Once I put it on, I knew it was the gown for me. It may be the simplest gown that graced the stage that night but it really showed me.

I have never questioned myself so much until I joined Miss Chinatown, my very first pageant. I was looking for a mold to fit into, a girl with a face like a Chinese porcelain doll, a veteran beauty queen who knows how to put her foot in front of the other while walking and how hard to toss her hips. But I realized that in just being you, there’s already a whole lot of magic in that.

#mascara